Falling Down Steps
by Eydie Munroe
Summary: The fallout between Kathryn and Chakotay through the hardest years of their journey. Written for the VAMB 2016 Secret Summer Challenge.


**Falling Down Steps**

 **By Eydie Munroe**

 _Disclaimer: Yes, they belong to Paramount/CBS. No, I'm not working for them. Yes, I would like to. No, it will not likely happen. Yes, I will put these characters back when I'm finished._

 _Note: Written for the VAMB 2016 Secret Summer Challenge. The request from Daughter Leilani: "I would like a J/C story. Preferably dealing with fall out that we never see. Could be from The Fight, Repressions, The Void, etc.". Special thanks to Hester for her fabulous beta work!_

* * *

 _ **Unforgettable**_

It was their weekly working dinner, the same as they'd done for years now. Reports, crew evaluations, possible changes in assignments…all were on the table for discussion around their mushroom soup. Chakotay had seemed out of sorts for the last couple of days, so the captain had decided to serve his favourite comfort food which, through repeated exposure, had also become one of hers.

She had also been unusually emotional the last few days – primarily angry. She couldn't understand why though. They'd been in a quiet area of space for a while now, with no threats or anyone claiming it as their territory. Their supplies were in good shape, and power stores were the best they'd been in months. And yet, she was unsettled, wound tight as a spring. For someone who was usually so in control of her emotions, the fact that they were being erratic vexed her.

The door chime startled her, and she blew out a deep breath before calling out, "Come in."

Chakotay walked in, carrying a stack of padds that he was still glancing through. When he looked up, he noticed that the lighting was stark and that there was no wine on the table. When Kathryn was in a good mood, the lighting was usually softened and sometimes there were candles, so it was a good tipoff on her mental state. He would have liked to at least have brought something to help smooth things over, but a few of his replicator rations were missing from his account. When he queried the computer, it had said that he'd requested a pen and paper a few days earlier, though for the life of him he couldn't remember doing so. And when he'd looked around his quarters, he didn't see either.

"Looks like a light load tonight," he said, hoping it would placate whatever mood she was in. The way he'd been feeling lately, the last thing he wanted was to have to coddle her.

He couldn't explain it either. He'd been fine until three days ago. Then, for some reason, there was a moroseness he couldn't shake. If he hadn't known better, he'd have said he was heartbroken, though for the life of him, he couldn't imagine why. He hadn't been seeing anyone – his latent fascination with his captain made sure of that. He didn't mind though. Though he'd managed to put aside his loving feelings for her, and now regarded her as his best friend, he wasn't ready to date anybody.

"Great." She indicated for him to take his seat, and set a bowl in front of him before carrying her own to the other side.

They worked and ate in silence, breaking it only to exchange padds or ask questions regarding what they were reading. By the time she served coffee, most of it was done. Chakotay looked down at the mug she handed him, frowning when he saw that she'd gotten him coffee instead of the tea he usually had after dinner. She saw him scrutinizing it, and more forcefully than she'd intended, questioned, "What's wrong?"

Her tone shook him out of his reverie. "I – uh…"

Then she realized the mistake. "Oh. Of course." Taking it back from him, she returned it to the replicator and ordered another drink, which she set on the table without looking at him. Then she grabbed up the last two padds and headed over to sit on the couch.

Sighing, he got up and followed her, putting his cup on the coffee table as he settled into what had become _his_ chair. "Ensign Callahan has requested a transfer into maintenance," he said, wanting to turn them back to business and break the tension that had built over her drinks selection.

She didn't know much about Callahan, but she knew that he was currently in a much more high-profile job. Without looking up from her reading, she commented, "Seems like a step down from weapons control, doesn't it?"

Now this surprised him. He'd specifically told her two months earlier that Callahan was having a crisis of conscience about working on devices that were specifically designed to kill others. Defense or not, the young man had not been happy with his assignment after their arrival in the Delta Quadrant. He was a trained xenobiologist who had been on board as part of his starship qualification training, but Voyager's weaponry officers had been killed in the initial displacement wave and they needed someone to take over. Being almost as young as Harry, he had dutifully taken the role on and had done his best. But now, after four years of accumulated fighting, it was taking its toll. "Kathryn, we've talked about this."

"Talked about what?" she said, still distracted. Another sigh escaped him before he could catch it, and her eyes snapped up to see the look of frustration on his face. "What?"

"We've talked about this," he told her again. "He's burning out."

"Well I'm sorry I can't give him a trip to Risa," she said, irritation growing as her attention turned back to the padd in her hand, "but we've all got jobs to do."

"Kathryn-"

She was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to be alone. "Look, if he can find somebody who's willing to trade with him, he can switch," she said sharply. "Otherwise, he's going to have to tough it out like the rest of us."

He was starting to get worried. "Are you alright?"

The wind dropped out of her sails, and her eyes closed for a moment as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little irrational right now."

Surprised at her admittance, he asked her, "Is it something I've done?"

It all fell into place for her then. He was the target of her anger, though she was not about to tell him that. "I'm not sure what it is," she lied, "but the last couple of days have been…a challenge."

Chakotay smiled sadly. "Well, if it's any consolation, I haven't been myself the last few days either."

"Angry?"

He shook his head. "No, just sad, I guess."

She nodded as she considered his words. "Well, it's probably nothing, but maybe we should get Ops to scan for any Srivani in the area."

"I'll see to it." He got to his feet, collecting the padds that he'd brought in.

Kathryn rose as well, thumbing her approval on the report in her hand as she walked over to give it back to him. "Maybe by next week, we'll both be feeling better."

He gave her a faint smile. "I hope so. I don't think that dinners like this are good for us."

She felt another flash of irritation, but clamped down hard on it. "Goodnight, Chakotay."

"Goodnight, Captain."

The use of her title made her mad once again, though it only manifested in clenched fists at her sides as she watched him walk out. She channeled it into clearing up the table, forcing herself to breathe and stretch as she slowly made her way to her bedroom. Realizing that it was still early, she decided to run a bath, and as she sat in the water, inhaling scents that helped to relax her, her thoughts were in a jumble. There was no reason for her to be angry at him, or at Ensign Callahan for that matter. It was so random. So she concentrated on her breathing, and between it and the heat, finally started to feel some of the tension leave her body. Then she purposely ignored whatever work was left and went to bed while she was feeling drowsy, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

* * *

 _ **Night**_

After two months away from it, Captain Janeway felt almost reluctant to leave the bridge. But she was exhausted, the events with the Malon having drained what little energy her depression had allowed her to have. It was late, and for once she was hungry, so she headed down to the mess hall, thankfully finding it empty. She didn't feel strong enough to deal with Neelix's ebullience now that they were out of the void.

She had no idea how long she'd sat at the viewports, coffee in hand, reveling in the view of the stars streaking by, when she heard one of the main doors open. Kathryn knew who it was before his silhouette appeared in the window. It stood to reason that he'd be checking up on her now that things had settled down again. "Have you been following me?" she asked, her eyes never leaving the stars.

He had hoped that her attitude would have warmed after their escape, and his patience with her was thin. "Would it be so bad if I was?"

Kathryn shrugged. "It's your time. Do what you want."

Shaking his head, Chakotay decided to make one last effort. He sat down beside her, his gaze also moving to the starfield outside. "I'm trying to help you," he told her after a while.

"I know."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Kathryn-"

She didn't move, but she may as well have turned on him. "Look, I know what you're doing. You want to make me snap out of it. But I don't know how to do that."

Seeing an opening, he countered with, "Talking will help."

It was the only glimpse of hope he was going to get. "Commander, I will let you know when I am ready to have you delve into my personal problems. Right now, I don't want to talk about it."

He wanted to say something, to grab her and shake her until she got mad enough to take a swing at him. But Chakotay knew she would only shut down further, and then make everyone else miserable for three days afterward. Discretion being the better part of valour, he decided to give her time to lick her wounds before he approached her again. But that didn't mean he liked it. "Fine." He stood up, and looked down sadly at her. "Feel all the guilt you want, Kathryn, but if you isolate yourself like that again, I will remove you from duty."

Expecting a fight, he was shocked when all she said was, "Noted."

He waited just a moment longer to see if she'd expand on it, but she refused to look at him, and so he walked away without another word, worry and anger warring for his attention.

* * *

 _ **The Fight**_

She walked into the holodeck and found him in the gym, Boothby at the side of the ring hurling advice as he sparred with a large Klingon adversary. Deciding to just watch him for a moment, she silently leaned against one of the support posts a few metres away. She was no expert, but Kathryn could see that there was no finesse to his movements now. He was angry, and was trying to take it out on the largest opponent he could find.

Chakotay was taking just as many blows as he was dishing out, and staggered when his sparring partner landed a clean blow to the side of his head. Kathryn's hand flew to her mouth, but she stayed silent lest he be distracted and take an even worse hit. "Pay attention!" Boothby shouted at him. "Don't drop your left!"

Each fighter only landed a couple of blows before the bell sounded. As he moved to return to his corner, Chakotay finally saw his captain standing in a shadow, and he frowned. "I thought you were on the bridge."

She stepped forward. "I wanted to see how you were doing."

He sighed as Boothby pulled the guard from his teeth. "I'm fine."

Kathryn's arms folded across her chest. "You'll forgive me if I don't believe you."

"Believe what you want." He took the water that Boothby squirted into his mouth, swallowing it quickly before the guard was put back in. The bell rang, and he threw himself into the ring, immediately starting to throw punches.

"Calm down!" Boothby shouted. "Let him wear himself out!"

Ignoring him, Chakotay continued on, managing to say through his clenched jaw, "Go back to the bridge, Kathryn. I'm in no mood to talk."

She moved up to stand next to the groundskeeper, defiance on her face. "No. I came to see how you are."

"He's sloppy," Boothby scowled at her, pointing at Chakotay. "Look at how he's dropping his left!"

"Leave me alone!" he shouted, dodging his opponent only to put him into a clinch.

"Break it up!" his coach ordered. "Break it up!"

The two fighters pushed back from one another, dancing around as they looked for the best opportunity to move forward. "You wanna know?" He threw another two punches. "Fine! I'm mad!" Another shot.

She shook her head. "They didn't know. It was the only way they could talk to us."

"No!" He laid out another combination, actually forcing his opponent to stagger backward. "I'm mad at you!"

Her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped. "Me?"

He ignored her, and continued to pummel the Klingon until he was on the ropes. With one last hook, Chakotay put him on the canvas, and was still dancing and waiting to be challenged again. "That's the way, son!" Boothby cheered. But when he saw that his trainee wasn't backing off, he ordered, "That's enough! Stand down!"

His words got through, and Chakotay turned away, throwing punches and bouncing on his toes as he moved back toward his corner. He saw that Kathryn was still standing there, shock and anger clear in her expression. "I know that there was no choice, but I was scared out of my mind," he growled out, his words punctuated by blows punched into the air, "and you just kept pushing me…to go…back there!"

"What the hell else was I supposed to do?" she shot back at him without even thinking. "You were the only way to communicate with them. If it hadn't been for you, we'd all be dying a slow death right now."

"You could have at least looked like you gave a shit!" He finally made his way over to his corner, and as soon as Boothby removed his mouth guard, he accused "You only stayed in Sickbay long enough to make me think you cared and to talk me into doing it, and then the second I agreed to do what you wanted, you were gone."

She drew up to her full height, hands clamping onto her hips. "That's unfair."

He leaned heavily on the top rope, heaving breath into his chest. "Do you know what it's like to not be able to control your own thoughts? To have something in your brain rewiring it to their own purposes? It's terrifying."

"That's because you let it be," Boothby pointed out.

The statement made Kathryn bristle as she watched Chakotay climb through the ropes, and down past her toward a nearby bench. "Computer, remove holodeck characters." Both the Klingon and the trainer winked out of sight, leaving the two of them alone.

By the time Kathryn looked at him again, he was sitting, elbows braced on knees, head hanging as he stared at his gloves. She glared at him, trying to figure out what was going on. First he was spitting mad; now, it was like sorrow had washed over him. But his accusation had hurt. "If there had been any other way, you know I would have tried to find it," she said quietly, keeping a rein on her temper.

They were silent for what seemed like forever. Eventually, he muttered, "I was horrible to him."

"Who?"

He still didn't look at her. "My grandfather."

Confused, Kathryn moved to sit beside him on the bench. "What do you mean?"

With a sigh, he told her, "He was there, in my hallucinations. He kept talking about needing to go where his spirit lived. And I wouldn't listen to him. Just kept harping at him that he needed to come home and take his medication."

"You weren't in your right mind."

"Neither was he." Realizing what he'd said, Chakotay huffed a small laugh. "Sorry."

She rested her hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing the muscle there as she spoke. "It was a total fluke that the aliens were able to activate your dormant gene. It won't happen again."

He finally looked up at her, his face hard and his voice accusing. "You don't know that."

His reaction surprised her. Pulling her hand away, she acquiesced. "No. I don't."

Chakotay sprung up, pacing through the area in front of her. "What if it does? Are you prepared to handle a crazy man who can't tell reality from delusion? Who makes no sense for hours at a time, and only has rare moments of lucidity? What if I do something that endangers the ship? Endangers you?"

Her patience was running out fast. "Why do you keep insisting that this is inevitable? The Doctor said that it's deactivated again."

"For now. What about the next time we run into somebody who wants to use me as a communication device?"

"That's not going to happen."

"You don't know that," he shot back at her. "What will you do if I'm so far gone that I hurt you?"

The idea of talking about him being old and uncontrollable shook her. "You won't do that."

Chakotay walked right up to her. "What would happen, Kathryn? What would my future be? Would you lock me up? Assign someone to be my babysitter? You certainly wouldn't be taking care of me yourself."

She sighed. "We're going around in circles here. You're the one that says he can't live for a future that will never happen. Why are you so convinced that's what's going to happen?"

He gaped at her. "I can't believe you're throwing that back at me."

"Well, it's true. You're always the practical one. You've made this your home, and we're your family." Her hands planted on her hips. "And _if_ that happens, then we will deal with it. You're not going to be locked up and you're not going to be cast aside."

They stood silent, locked in a strange stalemate. She thought she'd reached him; he felt anything but. "You used me," he said quietly, his eyes locking with hers.

Unable to deny it, she simply answered, "I had to."

Something inside him broke. He'd always thought that maybe there would be a chance for them somewhere down the line. It wasn't a big fantasy, just something that sat in a protected little niche in the back of his mind and only surfaced once every few months. But now, hearing her so casually meet his accusation, he saw something in Kathryn Janeway that he hadn't seen directed at him before…cold detachment. When they'd fought in the past, there had been a fiery belief in her own rightness. Now, not only did she believe that she did what she had to do, but she admitted it as if it was just another day in the office.

He didn't like what she was becoming.

Without another word, he pushed past her and headed into the locker room, using his teeth to tear open the Velcro straps of his gloves. She watched him go over her shoulder, feeling the muscles in her neck starting to knot up, and blew out a long breath. She'd come here to check on him, and somehow it had turned into yet another argument. As she walked out of the holodeck, she wondered how they kept managing to find new lows in their fights, seemingly without effort. Kathryn knew that they would bounce back eventually, but they never seemed to reach the same level of friendship that they had enjoyed before. The Delta Quadrant appeared to be eroding their relationship.

* * *

 _ **Natural Law**_

Captain Janeway finished the last of the reports on the Ledosian incident, but surprisingly, Seven's contribution was not among them. Wanting to touch base with her protégé and see if she was still conflicted about what had happened with the barrier, she headed out of the ready room and down into the rest of the ship.

She could hear the doors to the cargo bay opening as she came around the corner, her steps slowing when she saw Chakotay coming out. She was about to speak to him, but froze when she saw the expression on his face. Usually as a rule, he was either perturbed or flat-out angry when he met with their resident Borg. But now, he had an almost dreamy expression as he looked back into the bay, staying that way until the doors closed. Then she caught a trace of a smile on his face as he turned away and paused for just a second before deciding which way he wanted to go. Thankfully, it was in the opposite direction.

She suddenly became aware of her heart pounding in her chest, and a rush of sound in her ears. She could hear Tuvok's voice in her head, telling her that it was possible that they had managed to settle their differences while in exile, and that was all. But Kathryn's emotional radar, usually on the strictest of lockdowns, had become loud and brash, and was not going to let logic interfere when there was perfectly good puzzlement and concern to be felt, complete with strains of jealousy.

 _It's impossible,_ she told herself firmly, realizing that she'd been standing stock still in the corridor for some time. _You're seeing things. He's never liked her._ Shaking such odd thoughts out of her head, she forced herself back into Captain mode and stepped into the cargo bay.

* * *

 _ **Endgame**_

Home. The word still rattled around in her brain without settling anywhere. So much had happened so quickly that she was having trouble wrapping her head around the concept. After the initial rush of Headquarters and Federation bureaucracy, Voyager and its crew had been given a week to get their logs and systems in order before Starfleet's finest scientists and admirals descended on them. The captain was more than grateful for the lull before the storm, and she'd made sure to check in with every crew member to confirm if they were doing okay. After all, it was a huge life-changing event they'd all gone through.

Some more than others.

She'd been avoiding them, and she felt like a coward. She also felt betrayed by both of them. The captain's logic told her why, and that their pairing had been practical, if not an eventuality on what had needed to become a generational ship. It wasn't like she'd made herself available to him, and his happiness – along with every else's – had been important to her. But this…this was making Kathryn miserable. She was being irrational, and she couldn't seem to tamp down on it. When she let herself think about it, she was also pissed off. In a way, she was grateful for the rush of work and planning and adrenaline that the last few days had been, even if it had meant having her heart ripped out by a soul-chilling version of her future self. And since the admiral wasn't here to yell at, her first officer was the next best thing.

The chime went off as if on cue. Kathryn realized that she had been ensconced behind her desk for more than half an hour, a prisoner of her own worries. Clearing her throat and reaching for her coffee mug, she called out, "Come in."

 _Who else would it be?_ she thought as Chakotay walked through the door, laden with padds. Looking at him, she realized that it seemed like whenever she'd seen him lately, he'd been bringing a ton of work to her door. _Well, at least that should change._

"I just got the debriefing schedule from Admiral Paris," he announced, dropping the padds into a neat stack on her desk. "They're giving us two weeks to decompress before they start interviews, and are offering housing to anybody who wants it."

"You'll make sure everyone has a place?"

He grinned at her. "Already done. With one exception."

Knowing he was talking about her only seemed to annoy Kathryn. "I'll be fine. I highly doubt my mother is going to let me out of her sight for the next ten years." Deciding to fortify herself with coffee, and to get _it_ over with, she asked, "Have you and Seven been assigned housing?" as she stepped out from behind her desk.

He stopped short, not quite sure he'd heard her correctly. "What?"

Knowing she had him, she stopped just in front of him and repeated, "Have you and Seven been assigned housing? Or have you made other plans?"

Chakotay was discomforted by the flash of challenge in her eyes. "You know." When she didn't move or even blink, he sighed heavily, his gaze falling for just a moment. "I was going to tell you."

She stood ramrod still, and he could feel the tension in her body without even touching her. "When?"

The tone of her voice set him on edge, and his eyes snapped up to meet hers. "When I was ready."

"And when was that going to be?" she pressed. "When you got married? When the first baby was born? What?"

"Why are you getting so upset?"

The look she gave him could have frozen space. "You really have to ask that?"

He shrugged, though there was nothing casual about it. "Well not that it's any of your business, but we've had exactly six dates and I've kissed her twice."

The thought of him kissing Seven sent chills down her back. After setting the mug down on the desk, Kathryn moved to the upper level without a word. She crossed her arms defensively over her chest as she looked out at Earth, frustrated when she found no comfort there. "Of all people…" she mumbled quietly, refusing to look at him. "Why her?" When he didn't answer, she continued. "There's seventy-two other women on this ship. Why not any of them?"

Chakotay drew a deep breath, which gave him a moment to think. Since she was the first person on board to know, the question had never crossed his mind. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" She whirled on him. "Please tell me you're not using her."

Aghast, he demanded, "How can you even ask me that?

"Well if you don't know…"

He reached his boiling point, and he was in her face before she knew it. "Fine, you want to know? I like her because she's smart, and she's funny. And she's like you were when I first met you." Chakotay didn't know where that came from, but seeing the expression on her face when she heard it, he wished he could take it back. And more importantly, part of him wished it wasn't true.

She grew quiet, a sure mark that he'd dented her armour. "Did you expect me never to change?" she challenged. "I've been through seven years of hell leading this ship home. I've been shot, tortured, physically and mentally assaulted, and to top it off, had hours life stolen from my life by the person you are now dating because you think she's a more innocent version of me!" Kathryn's anger exploded into her hitting him in the chest to push him backward, satisfied when she caught him off guard and made him stagger. "How dare you! I've given absolutely everything to this crew for seven years! What do you do, look at me and think, 'gee, she'd be great if it wasn't for all the emotional baggage'?"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh for god's sake. Did you think I sat around and pined for you all this time? You made it quite clear that you didn't want a relationship, Kathryn."

Her arms crossed over her chest again. "At what point after New Earth did you ever ask?" She leapt on his silence to finish with, "You know damned well that I never had time for myself, let alone anyone else. And I'm sorry if that wasn't good enough for you, but I won't apologize for it."

Feeling suddenly tired of both this conversation and of her, he simply said, "You know, you made it really easy to fall out of love with you." Then he turned on his heel and left.

She had turned her back on him as soon as he said it, and now she stood looking at Earth, fist pressed against her lips to keep from crying. He had voiced one of the private concerns that she'd always carried – not in those exact words, but that the accumulation of her treatment of him would break them one day. Seeing her hard-fought prize rotating slowly below her, Kathryn realized that perhaps it really had been about the journey. And she'd missed it.

Chakotay collected more than a few surprised looks as he stormed across the bridge into the turbolift, but he didn't notice. He was still seeing red, so much so that he didn't actually call out a destination. It took a few minutes for him to realize where he was, and he barked out, "Deck eight." _Damned woman…_ he thought to himself, clenching and unclenching his hands as he paced the lift.

Without any other thought, he made his way off the lift and headed straight to Astrometrics, where he found his girlfriend exactly where he'd expected her to be. As she worked the console, she glanced up with some annoyance. "Your visit is unscheduled." Then she saw his face. "You appear troubled."

He took her hand off the console and pulled her into his arms. She stiffened – while he'd kissed her previously, they'd never touched in what she considered a much more intimate manner. Seven realized that she was not a fan of it, but she allowed it for the moment. When he pulled back, she asked, "What's wrong?"

To his great surprise, Chakotay discovered that he didn't want to tell her. He was already used to not voicing his concerns about his captain to anyone, but this time, he didn't want to betray a trust, even though there seemed to be no trust left between them. "Nothing," he said with a shake of his head. "I just needed a hug."

She watched him, her enhanced vision seeing that his respiration had subtly quickened, and that his facial temperature was slightly elevated. It was obvious to her that he was not telling her the truth, but she decided that it wasn't important for the moment. So she gave his hand a squeeze, then turned back to her work.

* * *

 _ **One Year Later**_

In the months that followed, Kathryn didn't know what to do with herself. Debriefings she could handle – it certainly wasn't the first time, though being dragged in front of admirals was new for her. While it wasn't a witch hunt, their questions had a lot of bite, and in the hours that she sequestered herself away in Fleet housing during the process, she had a lot of time to ruminate on everything. Being left to her own devices without distraction had never been a good thing, and now, without her best friend at least trying to help her through it, it was even worse.

Her family tried desperately to reach her, but it seemed like the harder they tried, the faster she pulled away. She showed up at events only because she had to, and was a consummate actor at each one, being engaging and animated as she was introduced to hundreds of people she had no hope of ever remembering. The hardest were the ones where the entire crew or the senior staff was present. It didn't escape the Voyagers' notice that something had changed in her, and between her and Chakotay, despite her best efforts to the contrary. It was rare to see the two of them speaking in any capacity, and there was a sadness between them that was palpable. Once knowledge of his relationship with Seven became public, it was pretty obvious what had caused the rift.

Chakotay found himself more confused than ever. He was with a beautiful woman who, much to his dismay, he found that he wasn't really attracted to after all. And every time he saw Kathryn, he felt the same sort of dismay as he had when they had argued over Ensign Callahan's transfer request years before. He found himself thinking about her every once in a while, wishing that he could revisit all those times that they'd fought and find a way past it rather than letting those feelings add another brick to the wall between them. But he'd burned that bridge, and shame, guilt and pride kept him from trying to build another one. It didn't take him long to find himself in depression, and the best thing he could do was break away on his own and give himself a new start.

Kathryn basked in the late afternoon sun, one of thousands out enjoying it before the usual fog rolled in. Her counselling session had been a good one today, and she felt invigorated as she left the medical office. After grabbing a coffee, she headed down toward the waterfront, eventually parking on her favourite bench which sat under a giant tree. As she overlooked the bay, she nearly had to shield her eyes from the diamonds of light that danced on the waves. With a sigh of contentment, she closed them and turned her face upward.

"This seat taken?"

Her eyes popped open, but she was not surprised to see her former first officer standing in front of her. She'd heard he was in town for an anthropological conference. Somehow, a part of her had known that he'd seek her out. "Help yourself."

He dropped down beside her, leaving a comfortable distance between them as he stretched his legs out in front. "Great day."

Kathryn hummed in response, but said nothing. They sat together in silence for a few minutes, with him examining her as she basked in the sun. She looked much better than the last time he'd seen her – she'd put on a few pounds, and there was a healthy tone to her skin. More importantly, the semi-permanent scowl that had been etched into her features in the last months of their journey seemed to have disappeared, leaving someone who not only looked younger, but more interested in life. "Beautiful view," he commented.

"Best place in the park," she murmured as she lifted her head to look out over the water. "You're late."

He frowned. "Late?"

With a small smile, she told him, "According to B'Elanna, you've been in town for three days already."

Shaking his head, he chuckled as his gaze followed hers out over the water. "No keeping secrets from you, is there?"

Kathryn shrugged. "Most of the time."

He pulled in a deep breath. The subject had reared its head a lot earlier than he had hoped, but he figured now was as good a time as any to broach it. "Kathryn, I was going to tell you. I just…well, I hadn't really wanted it to be true."

It took a while to digest that information. "Seven tells me that you were very kind to her."

"I tried to be." He thought for a moment. "At the time, I really did think I could make something of it. I'd been alone for so long that when she showed an interest in me, I leapt at the chance. But after some time, I realized that she wasn't what I wanted. And it frustrated me. Made me say some stupid things." Swallowing a bit, he said, "I'm sorry."

"Did you love her?" she asked.

"Not even close."

They grew quiet again, looking out over the ocean as the sun started its western descent. "I hear you're living in Australia," she said suddenly.

He shrugged. "It reminds me of Trebus."

"How's your sister?"

"She's good. She's actually here for a month to visit." He finally looked at her, seeing only contentment on her face. "How's your family?"

"Doing well. Mom has taken a new job lecturing at Indiana State; Phoebe is pregnant with number three."

"Another boy?"

She chuckled. "Not this time. She's ecstatic. John's a little worried though. She'll have a different last name, but she'll be a Janeway for sure."

He couldn't help himself. "Speaking as someone who's spent a lot of time with one Janeway woman, he's right to be worried."

Kathryn finally looked at him, seeing the merriment there for what it was. "So what have you been doing since you resigned?"

Unconsciously tugging at his ear, he told her, "You thought the Delta Quadrant was a challenge? You should try teaching anthropology to teenagers."

She started to laugh. "Really?"

"They're good kids, but they can certainly test a man's patience." Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that she was examining him closely while she thought he wouldn't notice. "I've been working with a counsellor too."

Surprised by the sudden change in direction, she sat back just a bit. "Is it helping?"

"Some. He's helped me find my sense of purpose again." Giving her a small smile, he told her, "It's hard to change jobs when you've had the same one for a long time."

"And your last boss wasn't exactly the best one to work with," she added quietly. Taking her time to decide what to say, she went with the truth. "I hadn't realized just how bad things had gotten for me. I was so busy trying to keep it all together that being the captain became everything I was." She paused. "It was emotional hell when we got back. The first few weeks with my family were great. But then when they started to go back to their normal lives, it made me feel like I was stuck in amber…watching everything around me without being able to participate."

He turned to face her. "I think I understand. I wasn't exactly in the best of places myself." Examining her again, he said, "But you look like you're doing well."

She nodded. "I am now. Working with my counsellor has helped quite a bit. She's helped me reclaim some of my innocence."

His mouth fell open. "Kathryn…"

Realizing what she'd said, she held up a hand to stop him. "I didn't mean that as a cheap shot. It's just that I had taken so much onto my shoulders that it was destroying me. My sessions with Neve have helped me to let some of that responsibility go. And it's helping me find myself again. Reclaim my life, and let go of the past."

Chakotay's heart started to beat a little faster. "Not all of it, I hope."

"A lot of it, yes."

When she didn't continue, his shoulders and his head dropped. "Well, I guess I'll leave you to it." He got up and started to move away when he heard her call after him.

"Why did you come here?"

He stopped, and keeping his eyes fixed on the water helped him say what he needed to. "I…needed to apologize to you. What I said to you in the ready room that day was cruel, and I've regretted it ever since." He turned back to her. "I hadn't realized it, but my sister pointed out just how much being in the Delta Quadrant had changed me. And not for the better. She said that even being in the Maquis hadn't hardened me the way I was when we got back. I was short tempered and morose, and she basically pulled me aside one day and told me to pull my head out of my ass and rejoin the living."

There was just a moment that the last words hung in the air until Kathryn burst into laughter. "Is that really what she said?"

"More or less," he confirmed, but he was perplexed when she continued to laugh. "What?"

Struggling to contain it, she managed to say, "That's exactly what my sister told me."

His face lit up as he also started to laugh, and felt comfortable enough to rejoin her on the bench. "You're kidding."

She shook her head. "Nope. Almost word for word." When the laughter faded away, Kathryn said, "It was more or less the same for me too. And that feeling of being stuck just made me angrier and angrier, until I was miserable. Phoebe told me in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get into counselling, she would not be spending any time with me. And as mad as I was at the insinuation, I had to concede that she was right."

Chakotay leaned against the back of the bench with his shoulder as he looked at her. "Sounds like we've both had some recovering to do."

"Uh huh." She gave him a gentle smile as she gazed at him. "It's good to see you."

"I wasn't sure if I should come here today," he admitted. "I thought you might want to have nothing to do with me."

"Six months ago, maybe. But not now." She offered him her hand. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." He took it gratefully, remarking to himself that her skin seemed softer than the last time they'd done this. Wrapping their hands in his other one, his thumb stroking lightly across hers, he decided to take a chance. "Do you think that, maybe…maybe we could try to be friends again?"

One eyebrow arched as she peered at him. "Is that _all_ you want?"

His breath came out in a nervous rush. Looking directly into her eyes, he told her, "Well, maybe not all. But I don't have any expectations, Kathryn."

To his surprise, she leaned forward and gave him a small, chaste kiss. Squeezing his hand, she whispered, "We'll take it as it comes."

He returned her kiss, then pointed to the to-go mug that was still in her other hand. "Can I get you a refill?"

"Sure."

Chakotay got to his feet, then pulled her up to meet him. Threading his fingers through hers, they started to make their way back to the street as the fog slowly started to roll in behind them. They walked in silence; she was content, but he still felt like there was one thing that needed to be said.

"I never slept with her."

"I know."

"You know?"

She shrugged. "No keeping secrets from me, remember?"

He broke into hearty laughter, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders to pull her close. "You're amazing."

Placing her arm around his waist, she added, "And don't you forget it."

The End.


End file.
